Tina’s older brother, Max had Batten Disease and died when he was nine.
Her mother had cancer and died when Tina was sixteen.
It was time for Tina and her dad, Mark to spread their ashes.
The problem was, Tina had felt stuck in the middle and felt unloved by her dad.
Here’s part of this chapter where they’re in the plane:
She leaned her head against the window, trying to imagine where they were. Was heaven really up here? And how did it work exactly? As soon as they died, did their spirits just whisk up into the sky? What did their spirits even look like? And then did they get new bodies as soon as they arrived? That’s what her mom said about Max. That when he died, he would get a new body and be able to run and jump and play like never before. She hoped he had found friends and loved that special room Jesus had made for him. At any rate, to be wrapped in His arms was more than she could imagine.
“What are you thinking about, Muffin?” Did her dad just call her by her nickname?
“I was just wondering about heaven and trying to picture them up there.”
“It’s hard to wrap your mind around, isn’t it?”
“Yes indeed.” She set her tray down as the steward handed her a drink and peanuts.
“This is nice, spending time with you. I get so focused with the Foundation I forget to let you know how much I appreciate you. When I watch you interact with the families it does something to me.” He put his closed hand on his chest.
Tina glanced at him. Was he going to get all warm and fuzzy? She wasn’t quite ready to open her heart to that possibility. What if she did and he pulled away? She felt fragile, like a finely formed glass vase that could be dropped and shattered at any time.
“Tina, when I think about Max and how you were always there for him— not just him, but such a help to your mom and me. You’d entertain him and make him smile. And that smile would take the edge off the pain for us.”
Tina stared at her tray. She couldn’t move. Couldn’t look at him. This was the only time in her life that she could remember him talking to her. She just wanted to listen. To soak in it.
“And then when Kristina got sick, well, it about did me in. I was so angry at God for taking everyone away. I started to get depressed and felt like I could hardly hold anything together. I knew she needed me. The Foundation needed me. And you needed me. But I forgot about how much you needed me because I felt pulled in so many directions and I didn’t feel I had what it took to just be your dad. You got left by the wayside.” He took a sip of his drink His voice sunk to a whisper. “It’s taken this trip to stop and think about things. I wake up every day worrying that something will happen to you and well. I guess I just pull back because I can’t stand the thought of losing you.”
Tina took her napkin and wiped the tears running down her cheeks. She stared down at her tray.
“It just always seems like you only talk to me when you need me to fix something or do something for you.” She took a hiccupping breath. “And when you basically forced me to get up on stage in front of all those people and bare my soul.” Her voice dropped to a hoarse whisper. “You had already lost me. What were you thinking? You certainly weren’t thinking of me and whether I was ready for that or not. I was mortified!” Her fingernails dug into the palms of her hands.
Silence. He didn’t know what to say, did he? She saw herself putting on a pair of boxing gloves and pummeling him. Pounding him into the ground. Then sitting there dazed.
“Tina.” Just one word. He breathed out. “I haven’t been that great of a dad. I am sorry. Really sorry.”
Tina reached her hand towards his and stopped. Mark slid his on top of hers and gave a tentative smile.
Like Nate said, she and her dad were the only family they had. Through God’s grace, this final trip for her mom and brother would bring beauty from ashes.
#Grace,#Grief,#TestingbyTrials,#RedeemedFromAbuse,#Family,#GodsPresence,#GodRestores,#Forgiveness,#Hope,#Healing
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